


broken.

by spice_ghouls (orphan_account)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series), Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, background beau/yasha, caleb is sad and also gay, discussion of trauma, i'm back on my bullshit 2: electric boogaloo, mild backstory spoilers for Caleb but not anything major, mollymauk is Hopelessly Gay, oh also: ANGST
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-23 04:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14927126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/spice_ghouls
Summary: One night, while the Mighty Nein are on the road, Mollymauk is keeping watch, and Caleb wakes up with nightmares. The next morning, Caleb makes a decision that will change everything - for everyone.





	1. Night Terrors

The fire crackles softly as plumes of smoke curl and dissipate into the starry sky above. Bathed in the amber glow of the sole light source for miles, Mollymauk Tealeaf sits, keeping watch for the Mighty Nein. 

And, with a jolt, he realizes that he's been staring again.

Mollymauk manages momentarily to tear his eyes away from the curled up and sleeping figure of Caleb Widogast to glance around and ensure that no threats have approached the encampment since he last checked. The grassy landscape around them seems as barren as ever, save for the sparse, gnarled figures of patches of trees jutting up sporadically from the landscape. Satisfied of the safety of the party, he allows his eyes to drift back to the features of the man asleep across the fire pit from him.

Caleb looks almost serene in this state, the ever-present troubled furrow of his brow relaxed in slumber. His eyelids twitch; Mollymauk concludes that he must be dreaming. He wonders whether or not he has a place in those dreams.

He finds it irrationally frustrating. Most men and women he's encountered in his travels have found him at least aesthetically attractive, if not sexually - though, often sexually. He's never had trouble attracting anyone; he could have most people in this realm, if he wanted them. He's chalked it up to the cruel irony of fate that this filthy wizard whom he finds so alluring would be so oblivious to his charm. 

The reddish-brown curls of his hair appear plastered to his face, and Mollymauk suppresses an instinct to move over to brush them out of his eyes. 

He's startled, suddenly, by a noise, and he drags the blade of his sword across his chest to activate it as he turn toward its source to see-

Fjord. The bastard was snoring again. Mollymauk sheathes his blade sheepishly, grateful that none of the others were awake to see that. He takes another look around. It's awfully quiet out here, alone in the dark. Molly pulls his blanket closer around him, looking down and idly playing with the tassel on the corner. 

And then Mollymauk's eyes snap upward as Caleb lets out a terrible yell and sits up from where he had been sleeping. He glances around, trying to get his bearings. Wide, panicked blue eyes settle on the fire, and he seems frozen in terror for a moment before he clamps a hand over his mouth, and sobs, tears spilling from his eyes and onto his hand that muffles the noise.

Mollymauk stands and walks over to him tentatively. Caleb doesn't react, seemingly transfixed on the flame and visibly shaking. Mollymauk puts a hand on his shoulder. "Are you... okay?"

It's a stupid question, and he knows it, but he can't think of anything else to say. He knows Caleb's been through some shit, but what kind of nightmares must he be having to wake up screaming?

Caleb looks up and removes his hand from his mouth. His cheeks are flushed red, from both crying and the sudden embarrassment of having his episode seen by Mollymauk. "Ja. I am- I am sorry to worry you. I think I am going to take a little walk, if that would be alright with you." Mollymauk's heart hurts, hearing the tremble in his voice, but he doesn't know what to say, so he just nods silently, and watches Caleb's back as he walks toward the trees. 

They've only known each other for weeks. How is it that already, Mollymauk would do anything to try to stop this man from being in pain? He shakes his head. These feelings are.... unfamiliar, and terrifying to him, but Molly pushes thoughts of his own emotions aside as he debates internally whether or not to go after him.

It dawns on him, after a second's thought: humans can't see in the dark. Caleb is walking around out there blind. He glances around at the others for a moment, hesitating. He's supposed to be here, keeping watch for them. But nothing has disturbed them all night, so a few minutes won't hurt. Plus, they're capable people. They can handle themselves. 

It takes him only a few minutes of wandering through the grove of trees nearest the encampment to locate Caleb. He's taken his shirt off to wipe his tears with, and he's hunched over at the base of a tree, elbows resting on his knees. He's stopped crying for the moment, and appears to be rocking back and forth slowly. 

Mollymauk, after a moment of deliberation, sits down next to him. "Want some company?" He asks. Caleb's hand goes to his knife in surprise, not having heard him coming, but he lets some of the tension fall from his shoulders after seeing the tiefling's face.

"I am sorry," he says slowly, enunciating each syllable in his Zemnian accent, "that you had to see that. You don't have to do this, you can go back to watch over the others."

He looks so weary. "Do you want to talk about it?" Mollymauk asks, and the softness in his voice surprises Caleb. He turns to stare right at him for a moment, and the tiefling is stunned by his piercingly blue eyes, filled with a sorrow too deep to speak of. "You are... a good man, Mollymauk Tealeaf. But I fear that this - that I am not worth your time," he says, his voice breaking. "You really should return to camp."

Mollymauk shakes his head imperceptibly, and moves his hand to settle over Caleb's on the ground. His hand, Mollymauk notes, is still shaking. "I'm not gonna leave you," he whispers. The intensity in his own voice surprises him, so he adds on, "you can't see in the dark, and someone has to look out for you so you don't get gobbled up by a monster or something." The corner of Caleb's mouth twitches, and the two of them sit like that in silence for a moment. 

"I had - it was a nightmare. Nothing more. I will be fine, don't worry. But... I should not be near the fire right now," Caleb says, eyes focused on the ground. He hesitates, and seems to be carefully choosing his words. "I am a broken man. And fire is a reminder... of what broke me," he says quietly, looking down at his hands.

"You're not broken, Caleb," the tiefling says. Caleb opens his mouth to protest, but Mollymauk continues. "To say that you're broken would mean that you are irreparable. And I won't press you for what happened to you, but the man that you are - the kind man I know who takes care of Nott, the brave one who helped the circus when we were in need - that man, he seems to have taken the pieces of what he was before he was broken, and made a good person out of them." 

Caleb stares at him in silence for a moment, and Mollymauk thinks he sees tears in his eyes once again. "You don't know what I've done. I've fooled you all into thinking I'm a good person, and when you find out who I really am - Scheiße. I'm sorry, you don't have to listen to this, you shouldn't have to-" Tears are spilling down his face at this point.

"Hey," the tiefling says, and the gentleness in his speech catches Caleb's attention. "It's okay. I'm here. We're not going to leave you." Awkwardly, he puts his arms around Caleb, suddenly very aware that he isn't wearing a shirt. "You're okay."

"I am so - so stupid," he gasps in between sobs. "To think that I could find people to stay with me. I don't deserve it, I do not-" he pulls away from Mollymauk. "And here I am. Showing you how weak I am, being selfish and making you stay out here with me. When all I wanted was to impress you-" he seems to realize what he's said a moment after the words escape his mouth, and his eyes go wide, but Mollymauk seems far more concerned with the former parts of that statement than with the admission concluding it.

"Caleb. Don't - you deserve the world. Don't say things like that. You deserve anything you want. I'm here with you because I want to be, because - " the words "I love you" almost escape his mouth, but he stops himself. " - because I care about you. Not because you're making me. If you're going to call yourself selfish, then let me be selfish for a moment too. I want to be here, with you. And if there's anything at all that I can do to make the world less of a burden on your shoulders right now - just know that I'm here."

Caleb doesn't seem to know how to respond. "Thank you," he whispers. 

At the same time, the two seem to notice how close they are, their faces only inches apart. Mollymauk longs to close the gap between them. But it wouldn't be right. Caleb is emotionally compromised right now; it wouldn't necessarily mean anything, and while he IS dying to kiss him, he wants it to definitively mean something when he does. 

So, instead, he stands up, and offers Caleb his hand to help him up. "Do you think you'll be alright to go back?" Mollymauk asks. Caleb takes his hand, nodding wordlessly, and they walk side by side back to the campsite, which looks just as it did when they left it. 

Caleb eyes the fire warily, but lays back down on his bedroll. "Good night, Mollymauk Tealeaf."

Mollymauk looks over at him, his mess of curls and stubble and grime and indomitable beauty, and whispers back.

"Good night, Caleb Widogast."


	2. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb wakes up the morning after Mollymauk sees his episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter, but this bit introduces my Main Plot for this fic.

Caleb wakes up with guilt in the pit of his stomach, and it takes him a moment to pinpoint the cause of that emotion. As he sits up, he looks furtively around at the others, searching for whatever is off. Dawn is beginning to creep, rosy-fingered, over the horizon, and only Jester and Beau are awake at the moment. And - _oh_. Mollymauk. Seeing the purple tiefling, still asleep, brings last night's events flooding back to him, and the guilt in the hollow of his abdomen gives way to self-loathing.

He really couldn't have kept all those emotions in, could he? Stupid. Mollymauk probably hates him now, and the rest of them will too, when they find out who he is - what he's done. All he wanted was to be worth something, and _Mein Gott_ , but he had wanted this to work out. 

They won't want him here, soon, and despite having a great many flaws, he knows not to overstay his welcome. 

And in that moment, Caleb Widogast decides to leave. Maybe not right now - but soon, once he's sure that Nott will be safe. Every instinct he has tells him that he's a burden to these people, so full of light and love, and who he so wholly does not deserve the care or even the allyship of. 

The only thing that gives him pause is Mollymauk. Mollymauk, and his deep, scarlet eyes. Mollymauk, trying so hard to make him feel better - him, the lost cause. Mollymauk, and those claws that Caleb keeps picturing running through his hair-

 _Selfish_ , he thinks to himself, and dismisses the thought. Even if the tiefling felt... similarly, he can't bear the thought of seeing Molly, like everyone else, eventually turn from him in repulsion. He has had enough abandonment for a lifetime.

"CAYYYYYY-LEHB", a high-pitched tiefling voice says, somehow managing to stretch his name out to three syllables. His racing train of thought comes to a halt as he looks up to see Jester and Beau, both staring at him with smiles on their faces. "You've got it baaaaaad," Jester sings playfully, scootching her bedroll towards Caleb. "I've got a five-gold bet with Beau as to who it is that you've so obviously got a crush on. We've seen you these past few days staring longingly off into space - don't deny it, you were doing it just now - and we wanna know who you're thinking about."

"I was actually just thinking about breakfast a moment ago, liebchen," Caleb says distractedly, trying to mask the emotions lingering in his voice, and he desperately avoids glancing over towards Mollymauk. He can't let himself think about him that way now, not after what he's decided. 

"You're no fun," Jester pouts dramatically.

"We should wake the others up soon, ja?" Caleb asks, changing the subject rather pointedly. 

"Yeah, I can get them up," Beau mumbles, perennially half-coherent in the mornings. "Damn, I hope the next village has some fucking hot baths. I bet I look like shit," she says as she moves to wake up Fjord.

"Ja, I actually wouldn't mind one of those myself, for once," Caleb muses. "I'll get the cart ready and start packing up. The sooner we're on the road, the sooner we can make it to somewhere more comfortable." And the sooner he can get somewhere far, far away, somewhere that he can find good hard work and stop getting so attached to people he doesn't deserve.

He quickly stows his bedroll, Beau's, and Jester's away in the bottom of the cart, and takes Fjord's from him as he stands up, stretching his arms above his head and yawning like a cat. "Mornin', Caleb." 

"Guten Morgen, Fjord," he replies, his accent affording a harsh pronunciation to the 'j' in his friend's name. No - not his "friend". Caleb isn't thinking straight. Good people have friends. People who don't wake up screaming like a child from the haze of nightmares every night have friends. Caleb does not deserve friends. Not after what he's done.

"You doin' alright?" Fjord asks, snapping him back to the moment. 

"Oh, er, ja - I mean, yes, I'm fine. Just a little preoccupied," Caleb lies hurriedly, turning to set Fjord's bedroll gingerly with the others. 

The others soon wake, at Beau's less-than-gentle wake-up call ("HEY YOU SLEEPY FUCKERS, GET UP, I WANT TO GET TO A TOWN SOMETIME THIS CENTURY"), and Caleb finds himself the first in the wagon, watching the others get up.

He finds his eyes settling on the lavender, heavily-scarred back of Mollymauk Tealeaf, who is currently cracking a joke to a laughing Nott as he rolls up his bedroll. _Once I'm gone_ , Caleb thinks, _he'll be happy. He can find someone actually worth worrying over to love. Someone who's whole, and capable, and as good as he deserves. Someone not so broken as I am._

The thought gives him comfort as the others finish loading the cart, and set off down the road for the town ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos feed the fic machine.


	3. Arrival; Alcohol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group reach a town, and after an awkward conversation with Caleb, Mollymauk decides to get drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long! I've been away from home, and will be back to updating regularly now.

Molly is worried. 

Ordinarily, the sight of a new town to explore, with all its promise of adventure and the comfort of a real bed to sleep in, would set his mind at ease.

Today, however, he's worried about Caleb. He's seen how the man gets sometimes - at the sight of fire, or when someone moves too quickly near him. He shrinks into a shadow of himself, eyes glazed over with dread and distance, and sometimes it's all the others can do to snap him back into reality. This morning, it's been worse than he's ever seen it, and that's saying something. Throughout the ride to the town, Caleb's barely said two words, and Molly has watched helplessly as he sinks further and further into his thoughts.

The tiefling wishes he had any idea of what to say.

He knows, rationally, that whatever's happened to Caleb to make him this way - the nightmares, the spacing out - isn't something he can just find the right words to make better. Whatever happened to him will likely affect him for the rest of his life. But the less rational part of him - the part that can barely stand to take his eyes off of Caleb - knows that he would try absolutely anything if he thought it would alleviate even a moment of Caleb's suffering. 

He keeps replaying the events of the previous night, and thinking of things he could've said better. Should've said better. 

Caleb deserves better, whether he believes it or not.

Molly's train of thought is interrupted by Yasha's hand on his shoulder. "Hey, uh," she whispers to get his attention. He looks up to meet her multicolored gaze, and she seems to hesitate before continuing. "I've - I've noticed you staring at him." Mollymauk blinks in surprise. Was he that obvious? "Caleb, I mean. And though I'm a little pissed you didn't tell me you had a crush on him-"

Mollymauk cuts her off. "It's not like that," he lies. "I'm worried about him, is all." That part is the truth, but it comes out more harshly than he intended. Yasha, however, seems unfazed, if skeptical. The skepticism fades from her visage, however, as she glances over at the harrowed figure of Caleb in his torn coat as he helps Nott guide the cart towards an inn.

"He woke me up last night. With the night terrors, I mean," Yasha whispers. "I didn't want to embarrass him, though, so I just pretended to still be asleep. I doubt I'd have been of any use helping him anyway. You guys talked about it, I assume?" 

Molly sighs. "Yeah. I just... don't know if it helped."

The conversation lulls, and before it has a chance to pick back up, Nott pulls the cart over to be led to the stables of an inn called the Shabby Shallot, and they clamber carefully out of the bed of the cart as Nott begins the process of unhitching the horses and guiding them into stalls.

Jester announces loudly that she's going to go try to find a bakery, and Fjord mumbles in agreement, trailing after her as she skips towards the center of the town square. Beau saunters into the tavern that comprises the bottom floor of the inn, and Molly notices Yasha's eyes following the monk's movements conspicuously.

"It'll never happen if you just keep waiting for her to make the first move, you know. You have to say something," Molly says.

Yasha's eyes go wide for a second, and she opens her mouth to protest, then sighs in resignation. "You know me too well, Molly. It's just... hard. She's so beautiful, and I'm such a useless lesbian-"

"Oh, hush. Talk to her," he replies, giving her a good-natured shove towards the door. Grumbling, she complies, and follows Beau into the tavern, leaving Caleb and Molly alone with the empty cart. 

Molly allows himself to glance over for a moment, and to his surprise, Caleb meets his gaze.

And in that moment, Mollymauk wants to say: _are you alright, because if you're not, I'm here for you._

Mollymauk wants to say: _dear god, I am so afraid of the intensity of these feelings because they are new and strange and you are perfect._

Mollymauk wants to say: _I don't know who it was that hurt you so badly that you wake up screaming from the memories, but I would do anything to make you feel safe._

Instead, he cracks a smile and tilts his head, letting his dark hair fall past his horns and into his eyes, and asks, "want to go get something to drink?"

Caleb studies him with unsettling intensity for the briefest of moments before nodding, and following the purple tiefling into the tavern.

Beau and Yasha appear to be over by the bar already, Beau tipping back a tankard of god-knows-what-kind of alcohol while Yasha arranges for lodging. It's a few hours after mid-day by now, and Molly wastes no time in ordering drinks for himself and Caleb, accepting both with a wink at the half-elven bartender. 

Molly turns to see Caleb already sitting at a table towards the back, and moves to join him, tail swishing back and forth behind him as he walks.

Caleb looks up at him curiously as Molly sits down, as if he hadn't actually expected him to bother joining him, but he accepts the drink with a grateful nod.

There's a moment of awkward silence. Molly's tail twists itself into knots as his mind races, trying to think of something intelligent to say. 

_C'mon, you've got this_ , he thinks to himself. _Say something interesting, something that'll make for a good conversation, maybe flirt with him a bit._

"Nice weather today," Molly says, leaning back a little in his chair. _Fuck._

 Caleb grunts. "Ja. A little hot for my taste."

Mollymauk takes another sip of his beer as Caleb fidgets awkwardly with the fraying hem of his sleeve.

"...Mollymauk?" Caleb says, and the tiefling meets his gaze.

"Yes, darling?" Molly replies, setting his mug down. Caleb looks down at the table, and appears to be struggling to find the words to say something.

"If - if something were to happen to me - not that it will, but if it did - would you take care of Nott for me?"

Mollymauk nods, brow furrowing in concern, and he pauses a moment before replying. "Of course, Caleb. We all would. But I - where is this coming from? Are you alright?"

"Ja. Yes, I'm fine. I just worry," Caleb says quickly, still staring intently at the wood grain of the table. "I believe I am going to go find my room, if you don't mind, mister Mollymauk. I have some things to take care of."

He stands to leave, and on impulse, Molly grabs his hand. Caleb freezes, his face a mask of confusion as he glances down at their hands on the table, and then back up at the tiefling.

"Caleb, I - if you need to talk about anything, ever, I'm here to listen. Are you sure there isn't anything you want to -"

Caleb nods quickly, seemingly eager to get out of the crowded tavern, and turns on his heel to retrieve his room key and go upstairs.

Well.

That could have gone better.

The wizard's odd question still running through his mind, Molly drains the rest of his tankard, and walks up to the counter. Well, if he's going to drink, he might as well get drunk.

He orders another round.

\----------------------

Stairs are hard when you're a tiefling. See, they're built for humans, and when your legs are longer and your feet larger than those for whom stairs were intended, they tend to be difficult to climb. 

They're even harder when you're blackout fucking drunk.

After Mollymauk's third fruitless attempt to shamble up the stairs, he feels a pair of strong hands lift him by the armpits and gingerly carry him up the steps. As he's being dragged, he sticks out his hands to the railing on either side of the stairway with a slurred "WHEEEEEEEE!".

"For fuck's sake, Mollymauk," an exasperated Yasha grumbles as she pulls one of his arms over her shoulder and heaves him up the last step. "Barely even nighttime, and you're already plastered. Your room is that one on the left. Think you can get in bed by yourself, or should I help?" 

Molly offers no response, seemingly transfixed by the candles in the chandelier above them. "Pretty," he mumbles.

Yasha sighs. "Yeah, okay."

The barbarian woman, by sheer feat of strength and patience, manages to drag Molly into his room, undress him to his underclothes, and get him into bed. 

Yasha turns to go, and shuts the door behind her with a click.

\----------------------

Molly wakes up an hour or so later to a knock on his door.

His head is pounding, no doubt the consequence of all he drank earlier, but he still manages to stand after a couple tries and wraps himself in a blanket before stumbling to the door.

He fumbles with the lock for a moment before pulling open the door to reveal - Caleb. He looks bad off, and Molly can't quite tell because the world is spinning at the moment, but he thinks Caleb's eyes are puffy and bloodshot.

"Heeeeeeey there mister Caleb," Molly says, leaning his body against the doorframe for balance. "What can I do for you on this _fabulous_ evening?"

Caleb's gaze hasn't budged from the floorboards since Molly opened the door, and it takes him a second to speak.

"Mister Mollymauk - Molly. I am so sorry to disturb you. I just... you said I could talk to you if I needed to."

He shifts his weight. "Talk to someone, I mean. And I - " Caleb suddenly looks up, blue eyes analyzing the tiefling's posture and the stupified grin plastered on his face.  "Oh my god. Are you drunk?"

Molly laughs for far longer than the remark merits, and leans close to Caleb, taking one clawed hand and lifting his chin up. "Nooooooo, I'm not THAT drunk, what gives you that idea, darling?" Molly giggles, and Caleb pulls away from him, pushing his hands away and taking a step back. "Can I help ya with something?" Molly asks in a chipper voice when his laughter has stopped, pointed canines gleaming in the candlelight as he slumps further down the doorframe.

"No," Caleb says, voice barely above a whisper. "I thought - I thought maybe you could. But actually, I don't think there is anything you can do. This was silly."

Caleb gingerly pushes the door halfway shut from where Molly flung it open earlier. "Gute Nacht, Mollymauk. I am sorry for wasting your time." He shuts the door fully, and were Molly any less drunk, he may have noticed his voice breaking. 

As is, however, still fully ensconced in his drunken stupor, Molly dawdles back over to his bed and lets sleep take him once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr at @spice-ghouls :)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos fuel the Fic Machine


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